I know how frail people really are. It’s difficult to face the truth, that there are instances where we all lose. I used to scoff at people who wallow in their frustrations & allow themselves to drown in their sorrows. Now I owe apologies to those I’ve dismissed as dramatic & pessimistic. Because now, it’s my turn. This part of life knocked me down. I never knew it was possible to feel so much weight on your shoulders, especially at a time where I’m at my weakest. Forgive me for ever judging the people who’ve gone through hell on earth. I can say that I am admitting to defeat. How does one begin their way to recovery? I never felt so at loss before. I used to be so callous, thinking that life was just a game & all I had to do was roll with the punches. The reality of it all was a harsh blow. I built such high expectations for & from myself, thinking that the way to a smooth sailing life was through carefreeness & laughter. I guess my happy go lucky nature was some sort of mask to deny the true nature of life, to protect my soul. But because of all that’s taking place, the walls I put up now seem so useless. When did it all become so overwhelming? How did I end up here, anyway? It’s like I’m groping my way around a dark place that’s all too cold & unfamiliar. I wish I could’ve lived in oblivion, in blissful ignorance. That I was indifferent. But I’m not indiffirent. Absorbing the truth feels like such a burden. How do you face life when you’re not even sure if you’ve been living it the way a person really should? It’s an attack from all sides of life. Perhaps I’m not a good fighter. Maybe I was built to take it all in, unlike all the others who’ve fought their demons persistently. I feel like quitting. But saying that just feels so wrong. I’ve spent so much time denying the possibility that someday, things will leave me helpless. False hope, apparently. How do you go back? How do you get the courage to stand up & face it all? Because right about now I feel like collapsing; like drowning. All I want to do is break down. To be somewhere only I know; somewhere safe, familiar, calm. Here’s to hoping that someday, I’ll figure things out & rise from it all. This is all just too much.