It gets difficult after awhile. I think I know how it feels now: what it’s like to suffocate. And I don’t want to be a hypocrite, because I know I’ve had my share of faults.

Now it’s a different story. I wish that with one snap, this would all disappear .. or I’d find myself waking up from a horrible dream. Because now, I don’t know what to make of this. I’m too scared to admit that I have to face this problem, because I wasn’t at all expecting one to begin with. I feel lost now because of all the anguish, the hurtful words, the raised voices. It feels like hell to someone like me, considering I’ve gotten used to looking at the optimistic side of everything. Frankly, I don’t see any reason to turn to optimism, because this flat out feels like crap.

I wasn’t prepared, I guess. And again, the last thing I want to do now is be selfish and hypocritical. I just need a breather. Answers, maybe. I feel misunderstood, ripped apart, loathed, like I’m second best - all the shitty things a person could feel in a single moment. I wish I could spare myself the aggravation, but who can help that? The last thing on my mind would be to give up, but I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. No clue at all. I just want to lean back, breathe, and watch it all happen, and hope - no matter how twisted it sounds - that I simply didn’t have to feel. Impossible, I know. You don’t know half of the frustration and pain I’m feeling. I know I’m not the only one. I just hate all of it.

People used to tell me to expect things like this. I would constantly tell myself that no, what I have is different; that I wouldn’t go through the same cycle everybody else went through, or is going through. I would always think that I could prove them all wrong, and that I could confidently say it didn’t happen to me; it didn’t hit me. There are so many things I am having a hard time accepting. I feel like I’m a stranger, he’s a stranger. This is all a blur. It’s the reality that stings a lot. I now know how it really is, how it will be, and I know this is always how I’ll end up feeling. Like I can’t cope, that I can’t deal with it well enough. I said a lot of things that resulted from anger, hurt and frustration. But the things said to me hurt far more than I could ever imagine. It’s not about what’s fair and what’s not, or who’s right and who’s wrong. I may have been too steady, too comfortable. And now the whole thing blew up in my face. I hate the hurt, everything that caused it. I hate that I should have known better, that I should have gotten used to it by now but I didn’t. I felt so hopeless that I couldn’t stop saying everything I felt, what was on my mind; I kept letting it out … barely noticing how furious I sounded. And the words thrown back to me slapped me on the face: hard. But I wouldn’t back down; I didn’t want to be defeated even though I felt like I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. It’s not pride, I know what you’re probably thinking. It’s actually the struggle of wanting to remain strong amidst all the shit happening, one after the other.

Whoever thought this was easy must have been delusional. No matter how strong you think you are, you can’t go one up over what love did to you. I have not lost myself, but I feel like a huge chunk got ripped off. There’s a numbness behind all the tiring emotions. My mind’s actually settling down, too tired to analyze, to even function. And I guess that’s what I want for now: no sunsets, no sad songs, no break-ups. Just a breather. Just an opportunity to stop and restore myself, regain what I felt like I lost, and just simply rest. Pushing it, insisting, calling each other out on things will not always be the best solution contrary to what people believe. Sometimes when you force what obviously needs time will actually end up leaving you lost and feeling worthless.

Time heals, I believe that. I just wish I didn’t hurt so much. When someone comes into your life and you welcome him and allow him to see your true self, flaws and all, that right there is vulnerability. That in all your frailty, you feel that you’re safe. Yes, it’s something priceless, precious, and life-changing. But actually, the very thing sustaining you can be the very destruction of you.

I was captivated, and I fell freely. Now it’s like everything did a complete 180 on me. I swore once I’d be the strong one, the one who could stand up and keep walking without looking back. But what’s happening now is the complete opposite. I see myself weaker than ever, and I feel like I’m unraveling. I thought going deeper would feel better than anything I’ve ever felt. This can barely compare to my past relationships. Those could never amount to what I have, and I guess I placed it TOO high up on a pedestal. Was that a mistake? Should I have kept it within reach, instead? This is evoking thoughts and feelings I never thought would come. Maybe I was too careless, too naive. I wanted to fly above everybody else’s expectations. Now I don’t feel like I can soar. Sort of like my wings have been cut off.

I’ve been shot down, apparently.

It’s difficult to express myself articulately, but I know I have so much to say. I kept too much bottled up and now everything’s spilling out uncontrollably. I want to feel free again, like nothing could ever touch me, taint me. It’s surprising how one moment can change so much. How one person can change so much. You know how, when an intricate piece of jewelry has been used too much, and you start to see it tarnish? Not because it was fake to begin with, but because it’s been worn out. Dropped too much, bumped a lot, scratched often. I feel this is exactly like that. It’s like I want to run away, shove the door wide open, and gasp for air.

I never knew one person could knock you down so hard. How his words could leave you so shaken up, that you can’t think straight anymore. How the voice can shock you, and bruise you. Sometimes I just want to cry and let myself go completely, but I know I’m no quitter. I know I’ll lose myself even more if I give up and walk away. I detest the fact that it even crossed my mind. I’m only human, and others may understand my weakness, but I don’t need the input of others if in the end, I’ll be the only one who suffers.

If I could shove this down and bury it, I would. I’d walk away if I had the nerve. If I didn’t love so much, I’d have done that a long time ago.

I am well aware that it’s a sin to be angry. It’s not of the Lord, and He doesn’t want me to be vengeful and indifferent. And with what I’m going through, I am grateful that my Lord is here to guide me. He is actually my only reason to hope, now. He should always be, but because of worldly trials and humanly emotions and thoughts, I tend to get carried away. I now think that if it’s God’s will that I overcome this, I will. If the Lord wishes to continuously bless this relationship, He will most definitely do so. It’s hard to forgive, which, too, is wrong. But I will try and see this as a suffering and a sacrifice I can do for God. After all, He wants me to love. Love without asking. A long time ago, I gave this relationship to God, asking Him to guide us. Now, I again am relying solely on faith, hope and love, all of which are granted to me every second, every day, by God.

Here’s to hope amidst trials, faith despite obstacles, and love regardless of pain.